im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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