Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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