I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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