Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
