I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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