Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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