I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
