I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I stole a fireplace last night.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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