While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
