mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
pop tarts are not kleenex
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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