I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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