I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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