I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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