I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
