WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
