My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
