I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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