If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
