Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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