Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
