I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She just used a chaser for red wine.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
