8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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