guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
