Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
