he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
