The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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