I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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