Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
