I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
