You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
