talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
