GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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