The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
