he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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