then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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