he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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