Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
