Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
