Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
