In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
