Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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