where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
