my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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