Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
