Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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