Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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