I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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