You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
