i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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