Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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