Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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