I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Randomize
