I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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