My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
