Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
