so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
