he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
be right there i have to get my cape
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
