Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
