Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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