I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
